Est. whenever Suzy decided  ·  Population: monitored

Welcome to
Suzyville

A community of distinction, decorum, and comprehensive surveillance.
Governed with warmth, precision, and the full cooperation of residents
(whether they know it or not).

⚠  All activity within Suzyville is observed, logged, cross-referenced, and retained indefinitely.

Warden Suzy
LIVE FEED
Mrs Whitmore returning from approved walk (Route A)  ·  Mr Delgado observed near the side gate — again  ·  Unit 12 curtains drawn at 14:23 — noted  ·  Albie is on the premises  ·  Jogging detected, B path — neither approved nor appropriate  ·  Biscuit detected in Unit 11 during non-biscuit hours  ·  Mr Pemberton's Monday visitor: status unknown  ·  The communal gramophone has been removed pending inquiry  ·  Albie has updated his clipboard (third time today)  ·  All quiet in the rose garden — Albie checked at 09:15, 11:40, and 14:05  ·  Mrs Okafor was heard humming during curtain inspection  ·  Unit 4: laughter detected 22:47 — cause still undetermined  · 

Your Management Team

Suzy, Matron of Suzyville

Suzy

Matron & Chief Executive of Everything

Suzy has governed Suzyville since its founding and intends to continue doing so indefinitely. She does not have an open-door policy. All correspondence goes through Albie.

Albie, Chief Enforcer

Albie

Chief Enforcer & Keeper of Records

Albie joined Suzyville in circumstances that are not discussed. He is available at all hours. Residents are advised this is not an invitation. He will find you when he needs you.

✒️ A Message from the Matron

Several residents have asked whether participation in the upcoming Community Garden is "optional." It is not optional. Nothing in Suzyville is optional. The word you are looking for is mandatory with refreshments. Questions may be submitted in writing to Albie, who will determine whether they merit a response. The answer to most of them is no.

— Suzy, Matron & Chief Executive of Everything

📋 Official Notices

  • 21 Feb Urgent

    Mrs Hendricks's hydrangeas: Aggressive Plant Event (APE), Grade II. Pathway 4B obstructed. Albie monitoring at 45-minute intervals.

  • 17 Feb Advisory

    January Curtain of the Month winner disqualified. Runner-up not yet named. No timeline can be given.

  • 15 Feb General

    Communal gramophone removed pending inquiry into volume level. Three residents described it as "quite nice." This is not an approved assessment.

Full notice archive (62 notices this year) →

🗂 Incident Register

All incidents are logged, numbered, and cross-referenced with previous incidents. Residents involved have been notified, or will be.

DateNature of IncidentStatus
21 Feb Mr Pemberton observed jogging on Path B — no jogging has been approved Under Review
19 Feb Biscuit detected in Unit 11 during designated non-biscuit hours (14:00–16:00) Under Review
19 Feb Unsanctioned humming, D Wing corridor — perpetrator uncooperative Under Review
14 Feb Valentine's card sent without prior written approval (Form 7B) Resolved
9 Feb Mr Delgado waved at a vehicle of unknown origin from an approved route Noted
3 Feb Laughter heard from Unit 4 at 22:47 — cause still undetermined Noted
28 Jan Mrs Okafor hummed during the curtain inspection — directly in front of Albie Escalated
Full incident register, vols. I–XIV (access restricted) →

❓ Frequently Asked Questions

Compiled and answered by Albie. Questions are not anonymous. They never were.

Can I use the side gate?
No.
What is Route C and when does it reopen?
Route C is suspended. No further information is available at this time. Stop asking.
Can I have a pet?
This question has been submitted 34 times. The answer remains: under consideration. The rabbit in Unit 9 has been noted. It is also under consideration.
Who do I contact about a noise complaint?
Albie already knows. He was there.
Is there an appeals process?
There is a form. The form goes to Albie. Albie presents it to Suzy. Suzy reads it. Results vary. The form is not laminated.
What are "non-biscuit hours"?
14:00 to 16:00 daily. This has been in The Code since Vol. II. Please read The Code.